What If I Don't Care?

But would I take so many pictures if I didn't?

As I was thinking about what I wanted to say today the thought crossed my mind “what if I don’t care about anything?” Since I only want to write about things I care about it was unsettling. There are plenty of things I care about in a way, but not a lot that I care about deeply. I used to care a lot more, or at least I had more feelings to accompany my caring mind, and I don’t know whether you have to have the feelings to go along with your thoughts in order for it to qualify as really caring. My feelings used to go so deep that if I saw a car wreck on the side of the road I’d have to pull over because I wouldn’t be able to see through the tears and could hardly breathe because I was feeling the pain of the people in the wreck and their family members.(More than 20 years ago?!) I don’t know for sure what that was all about other than proof positive that I was a feeling person. I’m also very pensive so it isn’t a case of one or the other.

After several visits to psychologists and psychiatrists it turned out that it’s considerably easier to turn off the feelings than the thoughts. They have little pink and yellow pills for that. My feelings these days are more drip drip than gushing except when they aren’t, which is now and then. It occurred to me that I take a lot of pictures (with a camera) and decided that I could refer to them to see what I cared about on the daily-living level.

Here is Tasha the Cat when a puppy came to live at the house. She is saying “what the hell is that thing, and what is it doing in my space?” Tasha is now 19 years old and living happily as an only pet with her person. This is the sweetest cat ever, complete with plenty of veterinarian paperwork confirming the diagnosis.

Tasha, Princess of Everything

Silver Linings are great things to have when things haven’t gone your way. I haven’t noticed that every cloud has one and don’t think “every cloud has a silver lining” is a good idiom. But the saying promotes optimism in the face of adversity and that is something I can get behind. We have a lot of storms here in the midwest and this picture was taken from my back deck.

A Silver Lining

String Bridges. I call them this because when I first saw this type of bridge in Boston many years ago, from a distance the parallel poles that hold up the bridge appeared to be strings. To me, nothing says “welcome to civilization” more than string bridges. I now know they are called cable-stayed bridges and that many of the longest ones are in China. They're a subset of suspension bridges and the difference can be summed up by saying it has to do with how the weight of the road deck is borne. I have zero interest in this aspect of the bridge. I love the vitality of city life and when I see a String Bridge I feel the energy and zest of community that I don’t get living in the country.

A String Bridge, but not the one in Boston - I take a picture of every one I see

Speaking of community, look at this group of rather ordinary, practically colorless birds assembled in the honeysuckle branches on a cold winter day. They puff out their chest feathers when it’s cold out there and I’ve seen some puff balls twice this size on blue jays.

Plain, ordinary, nothing special about them Sparrows

These featured birds are just sparrows, low on the list of exotic or exciting birds to find in your yard. I’m not sure what they’re eating out there at that time of year but probably suet. The National Geographic tells me that sparrows are social, thus the flocks, and that they solve problems more quickly in larger groups. I imagine their main problems are getting food and avoiding being anyone else’s food.

There is also a Bible verse that talks about sparrows. Jesus was recorded as saying “are not five sparrows sold for two pennies?” I assume that means that sparrows have always been a dime a dozen, lots of them around and who would notice if one was missing? The verse goes on to say that not one of the sparrows are forgotten by God and we should not be afraid since we are more valuable than sparrows. That suggests that people have more value than birds, or rather, the common ones.  But I wonder how I’d size up in value against this beauty of a goldfinch.

Goldfinch enjoys sunflower seeds nearly as much as I do

It’s a bit regrettable that the biblical example doesn’t use a more remarkable bird against which to measure a person’s worth. I’m sure there are scholars who interpret this a different/better way but since most of us don’t fall into that category we have just our own tangled brains to work it out. This doesn’t bother me in the least; it’s a thought I had, just a thought.

And then there are Delphiniums! I care a great deal about these particular delphiniums because I started them from seed 3 years ago.

Connecticut Yankee variety of Delphiniums

Having never before planted seeds indoors under a grow light I was skeptical that these would even sprout before they drowned or dried. But they did, and then I was skeptical that they would grow enough to transplant outdoors, but they did. The first year I had a few scraggly flowers that were pretty but not impressive. Last year they were better, and this year they are awesome. It’s a Connecticut Yankee mix and of course I should have known that the Yankee in them would likely come through.

So congratulations to me for identifying five things that I care about today, and I hope you can do the same. My five things:

1.       Tasha the Cat and also Noodle the Cat, who will appear in another post

2.       Silver Linings

3.       String Bridges

4.       Birds

5.       Delphiniums